just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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