I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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