im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
