so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
