Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
