What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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