I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Randomize
