I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
