i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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