I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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