I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
