I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
