my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
