She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
