I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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