I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
