Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
