My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
