you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
