Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
