I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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