just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
