What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
