I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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