I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
