I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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