I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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