Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
All the doctor said was why
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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