Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
