After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
