Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
