i just wanna soil my oats bro
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
