i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
