My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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