like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
