I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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