I'm so fucking centered right now
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize