I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Four minutes until I can fart!
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
