What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
