Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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