If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Randomize
