Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
