1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
