She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
