made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
So many bounce houses so little time
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize