I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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