he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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