I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
