oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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