The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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