Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
