I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
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