At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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