i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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