Pants 0. Shit 1.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
God, I missed his penis.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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