Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
